It’s the Journey Not the Destination

Being in treatment here is helping me. We interact as community, and have service groups, and classes that we participate in and lead. We hold each other accountable for our actions, and learn how to communicate effectively. We also learn how important our thoughts are, and how to challenge our thoughts when they are not in line with our goals. We learn how to identify our feelings, and how to express them in a healthy way. I’ve learned about the stages of grief, and realize that I’ve been grieving the time away from my family for a long time. I think understanding it is helping me move forward. I’ve worked through a lot of the pain that was holding me back, and I’m extremely grateful to my judge for giving me the opportunity to get help.

This experience has changed my life in ways I don’t think I even fully understand yet. I’m a passionate person and give my whole heart to whatever I believe in, but most of my life balance has been a big struggle for me. When I realized that RDAP could help me heal and grow I dived right in. I now know the most important thing I can do for my family is get the help I need. I have also learned that when I am in the service of others I am in the service of my family and my God. My family is healing and growing with me, and that’s pretty amazing! I wrote a letter to Chad yesterday and with his permission I would like to share it with you. It is my hope to be more consistent in my writing, I value my friends and family at home and really enjoy the connection I feel to all of you when I write. I want to balance the passion I feel inside between my community in prison, and my community in the free world. I love you guys, and thank you all for following along:)

Good morning Love, I woke up to a closed window again. It seems strange to me that something so simple would make me so angry, but it did. It’s really hot and humid right now, and the lights are off most of the day. It feels like living in a dark humid cave, and it freaks me out. Anyway, I prayed myself into a much better place, and as I laid there waiting for time to pass so that I could go to rec my thoughts turned to you. I thought about all the things we’ve done, and all the things we still have to do. I thought about the times in my life when we have been the closest, and how good that felt. I thought about sitting in the Celestial room of the Mt. Timpanogos temple with you and all of our children, and how good that will feel. I thought about your blue eyes, and the smile I fell in love with the first day we met. I thought about how good you are, how strong you are, and how much I love you. I thought about how many things you do well, and how capable and accomplished you are. I thought about myself, and the woman I’ve become while being married to you. Then my thoughts turned to our children, and I thought about their sweet spirits, and how talented, and beautiful they are. I am struggling today, I am tearful as I write this; but I know this will pass. When I got to the rec yard I sat under a tree and read the New Era; there were quotes, and pictures of Latter Day Saint children and teenagers in the magazine, and as I read I felt an overwhelming feeling that we are part of something so good! It made me happy to see the light and beauty in those children’s eyes. I love the women I’ve met in prison, many of them are like children to me. Children who have been abused, and don’t comprehend their true worth, and value. That’s what I want and pray for every night; to be able to communicate the worth and value of others in a way that allows them to see their own divine potential. I pray to see us all as our heavenly Father does. I believe that my suffering has given me compassion, and a unique ability to love others. The other day CJ told me: “Mom it hurt so much when you first left, I didn’t think I was going to make it. But it doesn’t hurt like that anymore, and another year away from you seems like only a month after how long I’ve already waited.” After our conversation I realized how self aware she is, and how much she’s grown. I believe our children are stronger brighter individuals because of their suffering, and so are we! It’s the journey that makes us who we are, not the destination. And when we arrive we will realize how far we’ve come, and be grateful for every step. Right now my heart is tender; I feel overwhelmed with love for you and our children; love for our community, and the precious children of our Father in heaven I’ve met in prison. I want you to know how close to my heart you are today Chad, I love you