Today I Found Out Who I Am
I had a great visit with my family a few weeks ago. Chad came by himself one morning, and we shared some tender moments that I cherish. When I talked to CJ she said: “Mom, I think I should tell you something that I finally had the courage to tell dad. I said, “ok,” and she told me: “I have a friend who says swear words sometimes, and one time I said a swear word. I told dad about it, and I’m not going to do that anymore.
I told her that I was proud of her for being honest, and asked her if she felt better about herself now that she made that decision. She told me that she did:) She also asked me if I was planning on divorcing 
Chad when I got home. I told her: “No, I love dad; I never want to get a divorce.”
She said: “That’s good, because we’ve been through too much already.”
I have an incredible family, who has walked this road with me; how I love them for that! Max is a beautiful baby, he was the star of the show! Shelby and Dalin are incredible parents, and we have so much to look forward to.
I have written the goal to live a balanced and orderly life every day for the last 2 years. I am writing this on Sunday, and I met with two friends in the rec yard to read a talk given to me by some LDS volunteers. I became tearful when I read this paragraph:
“When the young Nelson Mandela first entered prison, he was described by his peers as too ’emotional’ (meaning he lacked self-control), ‘passionate’ (meaning he had a temper), and ‘quickly stung’ (easily offended,) but when he left prison twenty-seven years later, the words he would use to describe himself were, ‘balanced,’ ‘measured,’ and ‘controlled.’ Nelson Mandela had many teachers in his life, but the greatest of them all was prison. When he was pestered about how prison had changed him, Mandela simply said: ‘I came out mature.’ Mandela developed in prison the strength, understanding, and patience necessary to bear the burdens placed upon him.”
A woman transferred here recently from another prison. She was placed in RDAP and had that fire inside of her that I know so well. I talked to her, and we made a connection; I think I loved her even more because I too had that fire inside of me. I wanted to tell her: “The battle is inside of you friend. Please give us a chance, give yourself a chance!” She signed out a few days later, and I told my friends: “She just wouldn’t let us love her.”
A friend of mine recently asked me the question: “Who are you, Portia?” It seemed like an odd question, and I told her that I would have to think about it and get back to her. When we met later I told her: “I’ve spent so much of my life figuring out who I am not, that who I am has eluded me. When I was younger I decided I wasn’t going to be a single mother, who raised her children on her own. Then I decided I wasn’t going to be a drug addict, who continued to hurt the people I loved the most. When I came to prison I decided that I wasn’t going to be an inmate, who let prison break me, and lived an angry and embittered life.
I found out that I am a writer, who loves to connect to the hearts of others. I am also a Mother, who loves her children, and wants to become someone they can be proud of. I love my husband, and share an incredible spiritual connection with him. I think I am also a leader, who does her best to live a life of integrity in federal prison. That’s who I am today.” What I know to be true is this: I am a daughter of God, who has unlimited potential, and think I would also add to that list that I am a “balanced,” person. I love you, and thank you all for following along:)
